Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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