I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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