His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
