Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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