Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
