They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
