Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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