Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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