You really coming over, don't trick.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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