when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
