Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
