Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
