Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
