You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
