drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
