By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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