Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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