I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
