I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
