he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
