just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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