She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
