Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
