I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
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Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
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I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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