Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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