the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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