I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
