So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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