life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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