just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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