i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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