My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
