It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
