Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
