i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize