Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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