I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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