I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
