it hurts more in the daytime
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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