Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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