I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
