I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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