Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
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the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
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I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.