Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
no you cant smoke seaweed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.