I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"