Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?