I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?