I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
