my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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