Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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