My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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