i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Randomize
