When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
