the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The ass gains better be worth it
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