so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
