Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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