Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
