Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
