Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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